butterflies are free

Hi dolls.  I'm a day late and a dollar short in my Under the Dome recap this week.  Sorry.  It's just that watching that last episode made me unbearably anxious.  As someone who loves television, there's nothing worse than bad television.  Under the Dome is bad.  Everything about it is bad.  The show is poorly plotted, terribly lit and inconsistently shot.  Every actor is giving a hackneyed performance with no regard for tone or ensemble or consistent stakes.  I could go on, but I don't want to.  Despite the Bougie Contrarian that lives inside everyone who has a "blog," I like being positive.  I love to like things - Just ask Joe Seely!

So, while I could spend an hour coming up with catty things to say about Ginger Dursley and her dead husband, Nicky Arnstein's gambling problem, I would much rather take this opportunity NOT to discuss Under the Dome and, instead, explore some of the fantastic developments in "queer cinema" over the past couple years.  Strap yourself in, we're going off genre.

Andrew Haigh.

Andrew Haigh made a romance for the ages. Weekend deals with the complexities of two men trying to overcome their own baggage and make a genuine connection.  This movie was way ahead when it came out in 2011, influencing everything from Rihanna music videos to Lena Dunham's Girls.  Criterion even released their own edition of the film last year.  Andrew Haigh is directing and producing a new series for HBO about a group of gay besties living and loving in San Francisco.  If it's anything at all like Weekend, it looks like we all have something to look forward to this winter!

Travis Mathews.

Travis is the queer iconoclast who was hand-picked by performance artist James Franco to guide him into the gay consciousness.  Franco and Mathews collaborated on Interior: Leather Bar which pretended to recreate the mythical missing forty minutes excised from Cruising in order to explore how we deal with male sexuality and objectification, etc etc.  I'm much more interested in Travis' first feature, I Want Your Love.

I Want Your Love is based on Mathew's short film where two hipsters talk for a bit and then have graphic sex and kiss.  The feature version tracks an aimless twenty-something artist whose life plan isn't coming together the way he imagined.  We follow him through his last day in San Francisco before moving back to the mid-west with his parents.  Yes, the actors have real, on-camera sex but this movie isn't a porn.  I Want Your Love shows us something much more terrifying to the Million Mom brigade than sodomy - emotional intimacy.  Shocking!  This movie captures the transition from ennui to productivity, from just fucking around to actually wanting something more (or not).  I Want Your Love is great.

Adam Goldman.

Like Miss Vanessa Williams (second reference this week - point to Gryffindor!!!), I went and saved the best for last.  Adam Goldman's The Outs is perfect.  It's a perfect thing.  To call it a web-series is too limiting.  The Outs is aspirational.  Goldman proves that we can create the art we deserve.  Gay stories don't have to be about Coming-Out or about AIDS or about being shirtless whores with lemon faces(dotcom).   The Outs is about learning to love yourself enough to accept reciprocity. When my long-term relationship ended last winter, I watched this show repeatedly, as if I was trying to absorb it so I could somehow manifest a happily ever after of my own.  It worked.  That's the power of good art - in it we can see reflections of ourselves and our potential.  I cherish this series. More thoughtful than anything you'll ever find on Logo and better produced than most features, The Outs is the future.  

The next time you find yourself disheartened by lackluster, late-summer entertainment, know that there are alternatives (and we only have five more weeks until Glee is back up and running).  

members only

This week on Under the Dome, Dorothy is busying herself with a wetlands charity when Rose becomes convinced that she may have contracted HIV from a blood transfusion and Sophia promptly labeled all the cups so she doesn't catch her AIDS.  No, that's not it.

"You're not better, you're just pretending."

My DVR cut off the "previously on" monologue, so we're already screwed.  Jesus, this month!  Is Mercury still in Retrograde?   The episode opens with Ginger Dursley in a state of mild concern because she's out of her dolls.  What sort of dolls they are is anyone's guess, but I bet money they're those Hair/Skin/Nail vitamins from Costco.  I'd be upset too.  Outside Ginger's house, people are throwing eggs at the wall and extras are shoving one another to get on camera.

The Hot Guy Who Locked Shelly the Waitress in the Bomb Shelter brings her a black prom dress.  So thoughtful!  He promptly teleports to his next scene at the hospital where everyone just so happens to be this week; everyone except for Shelly the Waitress who has that no-so-fresh feeling and, now that she's finally alone, takes to busting open a water pipe to freshen up.  Resourceful.

"Excuse me, I'm a physician."

The camp quotient is turned to eleven this week because Samantha Mathis is still wearing her prop glasses and now she's pretending to be a doctor.  She takes over the Little Hospital Under the Dome, hooking people up to those cute little EEG hats that Jill Zarin wore on season four of The Real Housewives of New York.  They even brought in the legendary Celia Westin in to play two scenes lying down in old-age lipstick before dying in front of the Latina Who Can't Act. My kind of theatre.

Samantha Mathis continues to go really hard on this "pretending to be a doctor" thing, doling out prescriptions and imaginary diagnosis, she even denies Celia Westin antibiotics for added artificial tension - it looks like someone's been watched The Impossible!

"I'm gonna get you something to eat and you're gonna eat it."

I like this Tide commercial with a dad playing cowboy with his toddler daughter who's dressed as a princess.  I wonder if his wife is dead or if she's just busy working to keep a roof over their heads since he's never been able to hold down a job.

The Hot Guy Who Locked Shelly the Waitress in the Bomb Shelter gives a monologue that has no linear logic, motivated by nothing, while a bunch of extras make some really good faces.  I think maybe that's the secret to Under the Dome - just watch the extras. Also, everyone is wearing pastel button downs this week.  There must have been a sale at Ross: Dress for Less.  Do they have those in Canada?

Ginger has put her hair in a pony to indicate sickness while The Goth Girl convinces the Epileptic Boy to make a sex tape.  Shelly the Waitress is upset because she doesn't know how to fix the pipe she broke.  Silly goose.  Somehow Ginger goes from running around the hospital to passing out in the cabin by the lake and Mike Vogel carries her away before telling her that her husband is dead.  Who says chivalry is dead?

"Are you stealing insulin?"

Are you invested yet? So, this week there was an outbreak of meningitis that was promptly cured by Samantha Mathis who gave everyone pills.  Whew!  The Latina Who Can't Act let her hair down and took off her silly police outfit.  The Old Guy in the Pleather Member's Only Jacket is no longer wearing his pleather Member's Only jacket.  Was this book this uneventful?

sick dome, bro

So, while Don was still off in California existing in perpetual flashback, Peggy was empowered by her new haircut (from a European Homosexual, no less) and finally got her own office while Joan was raped by her fiancé on the floor… no, wait.  That was my hetero-normative Betty Draper program. 

On Under the Dome, America's most riveting show about a bunch of actors who have never spoken to one another off-camera attempting to play scenes together someplace in Canada, the Gregg Araki kids were having a 90s themed skate party.  I know I swore off this program, but this week was written by a Jew.  THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

Oh look, it's already commercial time!  Can someone please explain to me the proliferation of Mary Louise Parker?  I just don't get it.  Don't get me wrong, Angels in America is everything - but Mary Louise 2.0 is off.  She seems resentful and on the verge of snapping.  I imagine she makes a lot of crew people cry.  I don't like it. 

"I figured you could use some protein."

The Hot Guy Who Locked Shelly the Waitress in the Bomb Shelter is wearing his hoodie in the kitchen, indicating mania.  His father is the Old Guy in the Pleather Member's Only Jacket and, yeah, he's still wearing the jacket, its zipper near buckling from the girth of his beer gut.  Choices.  But, seriously, why aren't people changing their clothes?  Is this like 24?  Is everything that's not happening not happening in real time?  This must be one of the secrets that Ginger Dursley speaks of in her opening "previously on" monologue.  There's a whole lot of cop talk this episode.  The Latina Who Can't Act and the Old Guy in the Pleather Member's Only Jacket are looking for a rogue cop someplace under the Dome.   Shouldn't be too hard to find him...

"My partner and I are a same sexed couple with a child."

HAHHAahhaahhaa.  This show!  What WON'T they tackle?  Samantha Mathis's better half gets shaded by the townsfolk eating in her diner and Ginger Dursley has her first scene with the Hot Guy Who Locked Shelly the Waitress in the Bomb Shelter. Oh God, this commercial with Blythe Danner starring in a fictional play and talking to us backstage about her osteoporosis is SO GOOD.  I love when commercials exist in an alternate reality!

Back on the show - the Goth Girl and the Epileptic Boy are eating breakfast burritos.  They're joined by a bunch of the Gregg Araki kids and all the girls have fucked up hair.  The kids call the power generator a "genny" - you know, like teenagers do.  It turns into a party.  If only this show would just shift focus to the kids taking over the town like Children of the Corn.  It's kind of amazing how little happens on a program that's comprised entirely of plot. The Hot Guy who Locked Shelly the Waitress in the Bomb Shelter has a very emotional exchange with the Dome and Ginger tries to make it about her.  The Latina Who Can't Act plays a scene with a pig which is clearly meant to be a Simpsons reference, but it only comes off as hackneyed and sets a tone that none of what we're watching matters - like it's all a joke.  That said, the pig was very convincing and natural.  Good thing I'm a member of the SAG Awards Nominations Committee!

The Latina Who Can't Act was promoted to sheriff (whatever that means) and there was a commercial for the Sarah Michele Gellar/Robin Williams show which is actually unwatchable, as indicated by the fact that the entire commercial was comprised of behind-the-scenes interactions and slow-motion, thoughtful smiling.  This week we learned that lesbians are allowed to be on network television dramas but gays are only allowed on comedies.  We learned that Ginger stockpiled all the conditioner or hairbrushes under the Dome and hoarded the entire supply for herself while all the other girls are left with frizz.   The Goth Girl is also an epileptic and the Old Guy in the Pleather Member's Only Jacket still hasn't taken off his jacket.

I'm starting to feel like Shelly the Waitress.  Stockholm Syndrome is setting in.

Nice & Easy

“She’s a psychiatrist.”

Good morning, dolls.  Another Wednesday is upon us and that means I shan't leave the house until I trudge through this Under the Dome program so you don’t have to.  Let’s see…we left off with Samantha having invited her trans neighbors up to her roof in the Meatpacking District for a Flirtini (that’s vodka with pineapple and champagne) Fourth of July BBQ and Carrie wore those shorts… No, wait, that was a good show.

This week begins with Ginger Dursley, that girl who was fired from Twilight, espousing about three pages worth of exposition to make up for the fact that there was no character development in the pilot.  Previously on, indeed. 

Mike Vogel is wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  It's pretty clear that Mike Vogel would be great in a Dukes of Hazzard reboot – all sweaty, with that smirky grin.  I wish this show was a Dukes of Hazzard reboot – with Jessican Simpson!  Can you imagine?  Dreams.  Whatever is happening cuts to Mike Vogel shirtless, sleeping in a fully lit TV set… you know, like humans do.

The Latina Deputy Who Can’t Act intuits that the Dome affects things with batteries because The Lawnmower Man had a battery in his heart and it exploded when he went near the Dome.  Then there are a couple of kids from a Gregg Araki movie talking about seizures and stars while Lenny Kravitz and my girlfriend are still working at the radio station – they’re both "costumed" in a bunch of junk that someone found in a Forever 21 dumpster in 2010.  Relevant.  Fresh. 

Samantha Mathis is wearing Ugg boots.  Oh, she’s a lesbian!  GAME CHANGER. There are military soldiers patrolling on the other side of the Dome so Ginger Dursley throws tennis balls at them.  Why not?

“He screwed my brains out and I loved it…”

Shelly the Waitress and the Only Hot Guy on the Show are playing scenes from House at the End of the Street.  Fresh.  Relevant.  They’ll work it out.  This man is actually gorgeous.  I’m sure he’s a NIGHTMARE to talk to at a party – just going on about how he’s getting a lot of attention from the show and how his real passion in life is hiking and the art of jujitsu.  Actors.

Meanwhile, the Gregg Araki kids are walking around holding skateboards and spray painting on the Dome.  Hip. Young. Fresh.  Mike Vogel pops by to check on their progress at the same time as Ginger miraculously appears at the radio station and the Latina Deputy Who Can’t Act finds the Old Man in the Member’s Only Pleather Jacket going through police files.  Plot Plot Plot

I'm getting back on my soapbox.  Plot without context or character is useless.  It’s not fun to watch and doesn't actually mean anything.  Respect your audience!

The lesbians have a Goth daughter (shocker).  The Gregg Araki teenagers see soldiers in lab coats spraying the dome with a hose and they realize the Dome is porous.   While, back at WKRP Under the Dome, Ginger has hijacked the radio station to let people know that the Dome is a Dome.  Whew.  I think we all know who’s getting that Pulitzer Prize this year!

Oh, look - a commercial for Wolverine.  Hmmmm.  I’m not being catty to say that this movie looks an awful lot like Elektra, right?  What’s with the 2005 wigs and inner-city arts high school costume craft outfits?  Remember when Darren Aronofsky was going to make this?  Poor Famke.  There’s also a commercial with a man saying he’s lucky to have a woman who dyes her hair. 

A crowd has gathered at the diner where the lesbians live. Then, in one of the most unintentionally hysterical scenes ever conceived, a bunch of extras hand Mike Vogel pans of water that he throws at a wall engulfed by computer-generated fire.  Somehow the teenagers and Ginger Dursley are there.  How did they get there?  How big is this town?  This brings us to the most interesting paradox of this program:  Geography.  We have no idea of the town’s layout – it feels as though everyone is on the set of The Carol Burnett Show.  One minute Mike Vogel and the Hot Guy are fighting in an empty cabin set and the next moment, they're rolling down a grassy hill by a river.  It's confusing.

Costumes.  Actors.  Is this meant to be The Truman Show?  Is that the twist?  They all know they’re on a TV show and M Night Shamalamadingdong is going to pop out at the end and give some homeless family a house?  If anyone knows, please tell me because this shit is exhausting!

The Lawnmower Man is already dead – as is Ginger’s husband.  And like three cops.  So...?  Killing off people who we have no attachment to means absolutely nothing.  I used to hate-fuck Smash until they killed off that gay boy and proceeded to act as though he was the reincarnation of the Christ Child (despite the fact that he had never been on the show or expressed anything beyond an extensive collection of Gilt cardigans and Justin Bieber's old haircut). I had to stop.

So this week, we discovered that everyone town is trapped under a Dome (...) and a house burned down.  The Old Man in the Pleather Member’s Only Jacket did not take off his member’s only jacket, Ginger Dursley's hair did not move and we learned that Samantha Mathis is in a biracial lesbian relationship who lives in a diner.  This would could be campy if it wasn't legitimately awful.

Camp is derived from a complete and reckless abandon towards a singular vision.  Showgirls is the absolute best version of Showgirls there could ever be.  Same goes for Mommie Dearest. Everyone involved was completely sure they were making something good.  Under the Dome isn’t campy because no one seems remotely committed or present.  There are no stakes – there’s no tension.  It’s over-lit and boring.

Bates Motel is majestic because it took characters and a premise we thought we knew and flipped our expectations - creating a new mythology and one of the most watchable shows on television.  American Horror Story continually presents a hundred different concepts and throws everything at the wall with an all-star cast, letting the good stuff stick.  This show does neither. I think we’re done here.  What do you think?  Should we continue or should we just re-watch The Stand?

two steps forward, two steps back

Heeeey, Supreme Court!  What a Wednesday.  Congratulations all around.  Since I'm in no condition to get married until I can somehow get my nighttime flatulence under control, I am celebrating the only way I know how: with a huge jug of coffee (extra almond milk and maple sugar) and with my stories.

Are we all watching Under the Dome?  Is it fabulous?

I'm staying home from work this morning to live-blog the pilot (two days after the fact). Seeing as I have no vacation plans this summer because, contrary to the liberal media, not all homosexuals are independently wealthy, and since today is a Gay holiday, I think this is an experiment worth our time.  Besides, who doesn't love Stephen King?

"...if you see something, say something."

There's a town someplace and Mike Vogel lives there and he's still wearing his costume from Bates Motel.  Lawnmower Man is the town sheriff and he has a Latina sidekick who can't act.  This is apparently a meme now, starting with The Dark Knight, then followed by the Superman movie.  What?  They couldn't get Rosie Perez?  I wonder if Lawnmower Man is still really into Virtual Reality... you think he still has one of those machines in the garage?  So many questions.

Apparently, there are no gay people in this hamlet.  It must have been pride weekend on the other side of the dome.  Or maybe there was there a Farmer's Market.  We don't have those out here like they do back east.  I miss muffins and artisanal cheeses.

Commercial time!  There's a long form promo for Pacific Rim.  Rumor has it no one wants to see Pacific Rim.  If you are a noted homosexual and not going to see Pacific Rim, let me remind you that Charlie Hunnam got his career from letting Littlefinger from Game of Thrones eat his butt out on camera in every episode of the proper Queer As Folk.  Respect.

Speaking of commercials, are we allowed to talk about the fact that the Sandra Bullock/Melissa McCarthy movie doesn't look particularly good or funny?  I mean, obviously we're all going to support our Queens, but was this really the best they could come up with?  Deep thoughts.

Okay, back to the show.  There's a dome of unknown origin and it cut a cow in half.  Horror on television - our dreams are real.  This dome separates the hamlet from the rest of the world for some reason and Molly Parker is not on this show even though she should be.  In my mind, Molly Parker will always the definitive Stephen King actress.   Pay attention, Hollywood!

So, a Ginger lady befriends Mike Vogel and takes him back to her house where the doorway under the stairwell informs us that this is the Dursley home from Harry Potter.  Interesting choice, CBS.  I'm not quite sure how Ginger Dursley is going to maintain all her volume if the goverment can't break through the dome with mousse shipments -but this is one of the many mysteries to be uncovered over the next twelve weeks.  It's fun when she tries to stand as though she's human and natural and concerned all a once.  Acting!  It's a wonder why they fired her from Twilight (apparently Bryce Dallas Howard was also unavailable).

Samantha Mathis is on this show.  She has a kid who needs an inhaler - BORING.  I hope this story line ends before it starts.  She also has a black friend.  Progressive.  Samantha Mathis used to date River Phoenix (or was that Samantha Morton?).  I don't know what she's doing here, but this look she's sporting is a little... young.  Bless her heart.  I love that there are two black people in the town - there aren't usually black people in Stephen King stories.   You can't stop the beat!

Speaking of race, The Call is coming out on blu-ray.  Halle Berry as a lady who has a headset!  How did we all miss this one!?  It was directed by Brad Anderson who made Session 9, thus proving that life is sad and oftentimes too dark for comprehension.  Watching all these commercials, I'm becoming aware that I have never watched a show on CBS before.  It's a day of firsts.

There is finally a true beauty on this show - a beautiful starlet who works at the town's radio station and she is stealing the show!  Thank GOD.  More of this one.

There's also a hot twenty-seven year old with pretty lips and a pocket knife who loves Shelly the Waitress  Candy Striper.  He's upset that his feelings for Shelly aren't reciprocated so he stalks her all over the dome and locks her in a fallout shelter.  A man after my heart!  Clearly we have two stars on our hands.  I think he should resolve his issue by taking off his shirt and wrestling with Mike Vogel, but that's just me.

I grew up in the heart of the Stephen King age.  I remember vividly staying up to watch IT and The Stand.  While both of those mini-series hold up surprisingly well, Under the Dome isn't good.  It's flat.  Overall, it's not cohesive or well made; there's a lot of TV-grade over-lighting and bad acting.   The voluptuous beauty of indiscriminate origin from the radio station walked away with the show and my heart.  I'm also curious to see how long it's going to take for the hot guy and Shelley the Waitress Candy Striper to play scenes from Grease 2 in that fallout shelter.  Since I don't have my Glee stories until S'Lea Michele finishes her novel, I'll guess I'll watch another episode.  How about you?