Wednesday, June 26, 2013

two steps forward, two steps back

Heeeey, Supreme Court!  What a Wednesday.  Congratulations all around.  Since I'm in no condition to get married until I can somehow get my nighttime flatulence under control, I am celebrating the only way I know how: with a huge jug of coffee (extra almond milk and maple sugar) and with my stories.

Are we all watching Under the Dome?  Is it fabulous?

I'm staying home from work this morning to live-blog the pilot (two days after the fact). Seeing as I have no vacation plans this summer because, contrary to the liberal media, not all homosexuals are independently wealthy, and since today is a Gay holiday, I think this is an experiment worth our time.  Besides, who doesn't love Stephen King?

"...if you see something, say something."

There's a town someplace and Mike Vogel lives there and he's still wearing his costume from Bates Motel.  Lawnmower Man is the town sheriff and he has a Latina sidekick who can't act.  This is apparently a meme now, starting with The Dark Knight, then followed by the Superman movie.  What?  They couldn't get Rosie Perez?  I wonder if Lawnmower Man is still really into Virtual Reality... you think he still has one of those machines in the garage?  So many questions.

Apparently, there are no gay people in this hamlet.  It must have been pride weekend on the other side of the dome.  Or maybe there was there a Farmer's Market.  We don't have those out here like they do back east.  I miss muffins and artisanal cheeses.

Commercial time!  There's a long form promo for Pacific Rim.  Rumor has it no one wants to see Pacific Rim.  If you are a noted homosexual and not going to see Pacific Rim, let me remind you that Charlie Hunnam got his career from letting Littlefinger from Game of Thrones eat his butt out on camera in every episode of the proper Queer As Folk.  Respect.

Speaking of commercials, are we allowed to talk about the fact that the Sandra Bullock/Melissa McCarthy movie doesn't look particularly good or funny?  I mean, obviously we're all going to support our Queens, but was this really the best they could come up with?  Deep thoughts.

Okay, back to the show.  There's a dome of unknown origin and it cut a cow in half.  Horror on television - our dreams are real.  This dome separates the hamlet from the rest of the world for some reason and Molly Parker is not on this show even though she should be.  In my mind, Molly Parker will always the definitive Stephen King actress.   Pay attention, Hollywood!

So, a Ginger lady befriends Mike Vogel and takes him back to her house where the doorway under the stairwell informs us that this is the Dursley home from Harry Potter.  Interesting choice, CBS.  I'm not quite sure how Ginger Dursley is going to maintain all her volume if the goverment can't break through the dome with mousse shipments -but this is one of the many mysteries to be uncovered over the next twelve weeks.  It's fun when she tries to stand as though she's human and natural and concerned all a once.  Acting!  It's a wonder why they fired her from Twilight (apparently Bryce Dallas Howard was also unavailable).

Samantha Mathis is on this show.  She has a kid who needs an inhaler - BORING.  I hope this story line ends before it starts.  She also has a black friend.  Progressive.  Samantha Mathis used to date River Phoenix (or was that Samantha Morton?).  I don't know what she's doing here, but this look she's sporting is a little... young.  Bless her heart.  I love that there are two black people in the town - there aren't usually black people in Stephen King stories.   You can't stop the beat!

Speaking of race, The Call is coming out on blu-ray.  Halle Berry as a lady who has a headset!  How did we all miss this one!?  It was directed by Brad Anderson who made Session 9, thus proving that life is sad and oftentimes too dark for comprehension.  Watching all these commercials, I'm becoming aware that I have never watched a show on CBS before.  It's a day of firsts.

There is finally a true beauty on this show - a beautiful starlet who works at the town's radio station and she is stealing the show!  Thank GOD.  More of this one.

There's also a hot twenty-seven year old with pretty lips and a pocket knife who loves Shelly the Waitress  Candy Striper.  He's upset that his feelings for Shelly aren't reciprocated so he stalks her all over the dome and locks her in a fallout shelter.  A man after my heart!  Clearly we have two stars on our hands.  I think he should resolve his issue by taking off his shirt and wrestling with Mike Vogel, but that's just me.

I grew up in the heart of the Stephen King age.  I remember vividly staying up to watch IT and The Stand.  While both of those mini-series hold up surprisingly well, Under the Dome isn't good.  It's flat.  Overall, it's not cohesive or well made; there's a lot of TV-grade over-lighting and bad acting.   The voluptuous beauty of indiscriminate origin from the radio station walked away with the show and my heart.  I'm also curious to see how long it's going to take for the hot guy and Shelley the Waitress Candy Striper to play scenes from Grease 2 in that fallout shelter.  Since I don't have my Glee stories until S'Lea Michele finishes her novel, I'll guess I'll watch another episode.  How about you?

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