Tuesday, September 2, 2014

who's the boss?

Monday, September 1, 2014

who run the world? (girls)

Good morning.

Did y'all watch The Leftovers on HBO?  Yeah, me neither.  It just looked like such a chore.  Blech!

I already know all about the rapture, thank you very much.  I've seen Night of the Comet.

Night of the Comet is all about how fabulous it is when everyone on Earth gets wiped out by an errant comet and you're left to reenact countless shopping montages until the mall is overtaken by cannibal zombie punks and you have to escape only to wind up in the hands of corrupt government health officials who hole you up underground and separate you from your sister, leaving you with the sole responsibility of destroying the facility and rescuing several multicultural children along the way.

When I was in high school, my friend's older sister (who went to a fancy art school in Boston) asked me if I'd ever seen Night of the Comet and she went on about how much I'd love it (aka: "You're gay, right?").  She wasn't wrong.  It's refreshing to discover a movie that's so legitimately weird, even after all this time.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

we could be happy underground

Some thoughts went through my head while watching As Above, So Below yesterday.

I didn't know this was a found footage movie.  This is found footage movie.  Ugh.  Found footage does not suit theatrical releases anymore.  Period.  Luckily, the aggressive "found footage" bit and the inevitable nonsense-logic behind it (where are these cameras/how are we watching this footage and for what purpose) is somewhat abated about 5 minutes in.

This boy from Mad Men and the Friday the 13th remake is genetically handsome.  He clearly doesn't need to work at having good skin and a fit torso.  Good for him.

Drawing bits from Giallo and Dario Argento along with some Indiana Jones adventure, I almost like this movie quite a bit.  "Masterful dreck" is how I explained it to one of my friends.  Despite being relatively well made, its premise is paper-thin and it doesn't know how to end or pay off its story, but the location (deep under the Paris catacombs) and the overall sense of dread it engenders elevates the whole.  It's perfectly fine for a Sunday.

PS: There was a trailer for a Brittany Murphy thriller attached to this movie.  Is this real life?  Am I dreaming?  Did I somehow wind up in the underground Hell dimension when I made that last minute decision not to order the chicken fingers and just got a Coke Zero instead?

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Elaine Stritch: The Revenge

Pediophobia: intense and irrational fear of false representation of sentient beings; fear of dolls or mannequins.

In case I haven't made it clear, I am ready to say goodbye to summer.   Join me as I pack up my best cut-off shorts and my favorite bucket hat for one last weekend getaway.  There's no better way to harken the end of the season than with a visit to a Tourist Trap (1979).

"look at the size of that hole."

We can't really talk about Tourist Trap without discussing Elaine Stritch.  This movie is all about that period where Elaine had to leave the Carlyle and move to the middle of nowhere Michigan to die.

Elaine was never really happy unless she was making someone miserable (just ask Barbara Cook), so she concocted an elaborate setup to lure unsuspecting tourist who would get lost looking for a rest stop.  First she'd leave tacks on the road so they'd get a flat. Then, once they happened upon her house (in the Stritch family for generations), the fun began.

In the Stritch family manse, Elaine arranged mannequins everywhere.  You know how Streisand has that mall in her basement?  This was like that, on a budget.  She had a mannequin dressed like Joanne from Company; one dressed like Jack's mother from 30 Rock.  If you're lucky enough to have been invited over, you'd even find effigies of Bea Arthur and Bernadette Peters, her lifelong nemeses, tucked away in the basement - ready for burning.

Did I mention that Elaine was telekinetic and that her mannequins sang?  You don't have to take my word for it, just watch Tourist Trap and thank God it's almost September.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


All the Halloween candy displays are up in the supermarket.  Your move, Target.

Monday, August 25, 2014

it's not easy being green

When Ramona Singer is bragging about the Hamptons on national television, you can't go there anymore.  When Ryan Murphy is spending weeks at a time in Provincetown, it's officially tired.  Don't even get me started on Ibiza!  Is there anyplace left for the upwardly mobile homosexual to summer?

Trying to find a chic, late-summer hotspot is nothing new.  Take David and Mark.  David and Mark were a gay couple determined to save their crumbling relationship by taking a holiday, so they rallied some friends and a drag queen named Kay and they set sail for Brazil.

If any of you have been on a booze cruise with a gaggle of gays, I don't have to tell you that it can be a recipe for disaster!  There's nothing messier than five drunk queens trapped on a boat, lashing out in every direction with no place to go.  No, I'm not talking about The Boys in the Band, this is the story behind this week's FaggotyAss Summer Movie Club movie, The Creature from the Black Lagoon.

David and Mark had one of those gay couple dynamics that I just can't get behind.  Mark has all the money and thinks it exonerates him from bad behavior.  He always expected David to be at his beck and call and no one is ever allowed to question him.  I have a friend like this.  He married into MONEY but now he's not allowed to hang out with anyone and spends his days folding laundry and eating berries alone in their mansion.

"I've always found Kay was able to take care of herself."

Despite minimal resources, Kay's a regular Natalie Wood - doing water ballet in the lagoon like a Vegas showgirl while the boys do God knows what behind locked cabin doors.  Even with all that machismo messiness onboard, Kay deserves our respect for holding it together as best as she could.  Through rough waters and bickering queers, she always serves soubrette fish on a platter.  Her Joan Crawford eyebrows - her sensible flats to offset her high ponytail - she's nothing is not resourceful (even if she always has stains on her blouse).

Her hard work does not go unnoticed by the local Creature from the Black Lagoon.  He goes out of his way to make nice to Ms Kay, but once David and Mark get wind of this, all Hell breaks loose.  Gays are so weird about drag queens.  And you wonder why Brazilians hate tourists!

Once upon a time, when I didn't know that I wouldn't always be working in the lap of luxury that is basic cable, I spent my entire tax refund on a 3D television.  It's big.  It's beautiful.  Considering that I live in a one bedroom apartment with my boyfriend, it takes up an entire room.  You see, I had that Universal Monsters box set and the 3D Creature from the Black Lagoon blu ray was just taunting me.  Plus, Panasonic had announced that they were no longer making Plasma TVs... I had no choice.

Go ahead and come for me, Suze Orman.  I regret nothing!  My Creature from the Black Lagoon 3D blu ray is gorgeous.  The perfect antidote to a miserable summer day.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Cheat Day

It's still summer.  To make matters worse, I finally finished reading The Stand so now I'm left hollow and empty in the manner that inevitably follows reading a three-thousand page book.

Deadline broke that WB is considering everyone's favorite mess, Matthew McConaughey for Randall Flagg.  That's something.  I've been highly skeptical that the movie would even get made.  Moreover, I've been skeptical whether or not the movie should get made.

The fact of the matter is, we've seen it before.  Whether Outbreak or Contagion or even Walking Dead and The Strain, we're all pretty immune to the apocalypse.  The Stand has lost a lot of the bite it had in 1990.

I was very excited by the prospect of the Harry Potter team tackling this adaptation, but then they fell out over money.  I was happy when Scott Cooper was directing and writing the adaptation because he would really capture the weird, dusty Americana that Stephen King lives for.   But he left too.

Now it's being made by the guy who made the movie where Shailene Dumptruck went to the Anne Frank house.  Meh.  But like Madonna said in 1995, "don't judge the movie 'til you see it."

So, for what it's worth, here is my dream cast list for the unnecessary film adaptation of The Stand.

Mother Abigail
Ms Cicely Tyson.  As if there's another option.

Nick Andros.
The Boy from Boyhood.

Dayna Jurgens.
Emma Stone.

The Dog.  Meryl Streep (in a role that might surprise you).


Nadine Cross.
One word: Lohan.

Larry Underwood should be someone heartbreaking.
I don't care about Stu Redman and Molly Ringwald is the only Fran Goldsmith.

This all said, I'd still MUCH rather see a big-budget film adaptation of IT.  The world would much rather see a big budget film adaptation of IT.  How about we cancel The Stand entirely and just make IT?

Jeffrey George