Saturday, October 18, 2014

tie me up, tie me down

This half hour of television sent me into a sexual frenzy as a young boy.

Monday, September 22, 2014

we're gettin' a little too old for that whorey look

Even though I swore off Kevin Smith after the one where gay people were tortured to death, I had a moment of weakness over my morning coffee.  So, I saw Tusk on Friday morning. 


Before I pop off, let me just say this: Justin Long has beautiful, beautiful hair.


The first half of Tusk is so legitimately awesome, with great cinematography and performances throughout, that I was plotting in my head the love letter I was going to write to Kevin Smith.  These moments of brilliance and specificity make the last half of Tusk infuriating.  Instead of ranting, I'm choosing to instead focus on something good.


I've been home alone a lot this month and that means I fall asleep with the bedroom TV on (which, for 90% of the year is just used a sweater rack).  My go-to bedtime story has been the Tales from the Darkside movie.


"Some love stories aren't epic novels, some are short stories."
-Carrie Bradshaw



Invariably, I only make it part way through the first of the short stories (which also happens to be the best), Lot 249.


Based on the Arthur Conan Doyle story, Lot 249 is all about how we can never be embraced by tall rich kids because we're short and we weren't born into money so we have to work seventeen times as hard only to wind up dead like Jean Val Jean.  Lot 249 stars Julianne Moore and apex-era Christian Slater (marking his way through the entire film) and it brings me continuous joy.  The same kind of joy that the first 35minutes of Tusk brought me until it got stupid and I was overcome by regret for not having purchased tickets to the new Jane Fonda/Adam Driver movie about how hard it is to be straight and rich and white in America.


Like The Raft before it, Lot 249 is amazing and perfect because it's a short film.  Some premises aren't able to sustain themselves over an entire feature, and that's perfectly alright.  Look at those Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark books!  I actually can't wait for Tusk to come out on DVD so I can cut it up like Topher Grace and make the perfect, mind's eye horror short - one that's capable of living up to the promise of the premise it sets up (and promptly destroys).

Saturday, September 20, 2014

effusive hyperbole

I just saw The Guest.

I loved The Guest.

You should go see The Guest.


That is all.
xxo

Tuesday, September 2, 2014

who's the boss?

Monday, September 1, 2014

who run the world? (girls)

Good morning.

Did y'all watch The Leftovers on HBO?  Yeah, me neither.  It just looked like such a chore.  Blech!


I already know all about the rapture, thank you very much.  I've seen Night of the Comet.


Night of the Comet is all about how fabulous it is when everyone on Earth gets wiped out by an errant comet and you're left to reenact countless shopping montages until the mall is overtaken by cannibal zombie punks and you have to escape only to wind up in the hands of corrupt government health officials who hole you up underground and separate you from your sister, leaving you with the sole responsibility of destroying the facility and rescuing several multicultural children along the way.


When I was in high school, my friend's older sister (who went to a fancy art school in Boston) asked me if I'd ever seen Night of the Comet and she went on about how much I'd love it (aka: "You're gay, right?").  She wasn't wrong.  It's refreshing to discover a movie that's so legitimately weird, even after all this time.

Saturday, August 30, 2014

we could be happy underground


Some thoughts went through my head while watching As Above, So Below yesterday.


I didn't know this was a found footage movie.  This is found footage movie.  Ugh.  Found footage does not suit theatrical releases anymore.  Period.  Luckily, the aggressive "found footage" bit and the inevitable nonsense-logic behind it (where are these cameras/how are we watching this footage and for what purpose) is somewhat abated about 5 minutes in.


This boy from Mad Men and the Friday the 13th remake is genetically handsome.  He clearly doesn't need to work at having good skin and a fit torso.  Good for him.


Drawing bits from Giallo and Dario Argento along with some Indiana Jones adventure, I almost like this movie quite a bit.  "Masterful dreck" is how I explained it to one of my friends.  Despite being relatively well made, its premise is paper-thin and it doesn't know how to end or pay off its story, but the location (deep under the Paris catacombs) and the overall sense of dread it engenders elevates the whole.  It's perfectly fine for a Sunday.


PS: There was a trailer for a Brittany Murphy thriller attached to this movie.  Is this real life?  Am I dreaming?  Did I somehow wind up in the underground Hell dimension when I made that last minute decision not to order the chicken fingers and just got a Coke Zero instead?

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Elaine Stritch: The Revenge

Pediophobia: intense and irrational fear of false representation of sentient beings; fear of dolls or mannequins.


In case I haven't made it clear, I am ready to say goodbye to summer.   Join me as I pack up my best cut-off shorts and my favorite bucket hat for one last weekend getaway.  There's no better way to harken the end of the season than with a visit to a Tourist Trap (1979).


"look at the size of that hole."


We can't really talk about Tourist Trap without discussing Elaine Stritch.  This movie is all about that period where Elaine had to leave the Carlyle and move to the middle of nowhere Michigan to die.


Elaine was never really happy unless she was making someone miserable (just ask Barbara Cook), so she concocted an elaborate setup to lure unsuspecting tourist who would get lost looking for a rest stop.  First she'd leave tacks on the road so they'd get a flat. Then, once they happened upon her house (in the Stritch family for generations), the fun began.


In the Stritch family manse, Elaine arranged mannequins everywhere.  You know how Streisand has that mall in her basement?  This was like that, on a budget.  She had a mannequin dressed like Joanne from Company; one dressed like Jack's mother from 30 Rock.  If you're lucky enough to have been invited over, you'd even find effigies of Bea Arthur and Bernadette Peters, her lifelong nemeses, tucked away in the basement - ready for burning.


Did I mention that Elaine was telekinetic and that her mannequins sang?  You don't have to take my word for it, just watch Tourist Trap and thank God it's almost September.