this calls for a big lunch

What a crap weekend and already back to work.  It's times like this that we all need to remember what's important: calling in sick for an afternoon of day-drinking with besties!

I love you all.

xo

kaiju kaiju kaiju

Things to know before going to see Pacific Rim(job).

There are no gay people in this movie and all the boys look exactly the same.  Charlie Hunnam is only shirtless for about a minute but, when he is shirtless, it's pretty fantastic - you almost forget how awkward it is when he speaks.

Charlie Day is doing the best Rick Moranis impression since Rick Moranis.

Spoiler alert: Robots (jaegers) fight monsters (kaiju).  That's all that happens. It's akin to watching kids play action figures...for two hours.   I loved the look of it - Lost in Space!  While the production design is absolutely gorgeous throughout, there's not a lot going on beyond robots fighting monsters and monsters fighting robots.  While it's very pretty, this movie suffers from the same trappings as Transformers - it's hard to be emotionally invested in giant robots.

Pacific Rim feels like the lackluster sequel to a much better Pacific Rim movie - the movie that's hinted at in its opening prologue.  I fell asleep three times.

it's all for you!

Hi.  Quick thing. We have acknowledged that Suri Cruise is the real life incarnation of Damien Thorn, right?

  

I mean, it's not just me...

I hope Katie has a good gay bestie - or at least has the sense to hire someone to water her plants.

game night!

sick dome, bro

So, while Don was still off in California existing in perpetual flashback, Peggy was empowered by her new haircut (from a European Homosexual, no less) and finally got her own office while Joan was raped by her fiancé on the floor… no, wait.  That was my hetero-normative Betty Draper program. 

On Under the Dome, America's most riveting show about a bunch of actors who have never spoken to one another off-camera attempting to play scenes together someplace in Canada, the Gregg Araki kids were having a 90s themed skate party.  I know I swore off this program, but this week was written by a Jew.  THEY PULL ME BACK IN!

Oh look, it's already commercial time!  Can someone please explain to me the proliferation of Mary Louise Parker?  I just don't get it.  Don't get me wrong, Angels in America is everything - but Mary Louise 2.0 is off.  She seems resentful and on the verge of snapping.  I imagine she makes a lot of crew people cry.  I don't like it. 

"I figured you could use some protein."

The Hot Guy Who Locked Shelly the Waitress in the Bomb Shelter is wearing his hoodie in the kitchen, indicating mania.  His father is the Old Guy in the Pleather Member's Only Jacket and, yeah, he's still wearing the jacket, its zipper near buckling from the girth of his beer gut.  Choices.  But, seriously, why aren't people changing their clothes?  Is this like 24?  Is everything that's not happening not happening in real time?  This must be one of the secrets that Ginger Dursley speaks of in her opening "previously on" monologue.  There's a whole lot of cop talk this episode.  The Latina Who Can't Act and the Old Guy in the Pleather Member's Only Jacket are looking for a rogue cop someplace under the Dome.   Shouldn't be too hard to find him...

"My partner and I are a same sexed couple with a child."

HAHHAahhaahhaa.  This show!  What WON'T they tackle?  Samantha Mathis's better half gets shaded by the townsfolk eating in her diner and Ginger Dursley has her first scene with the Hot Guy Who Locked Shelly the Waitress in the Bomb Shelter. Oh God, this commercial with Blythe Danner starring in a fictional play and talking to us backstage about her osteoporosis is SO GOOD.  I love when commercials exist in an alternate reality!

Back on the show - the Goth Girl and the Epileptic Boy are eating breakfast burritos.  They're joined by a bunch of the Gregg Araki kids and all the girls have fucked up hair.  The kids call the power generator a "genny" - you know, like teenagers do.  It turns into a party.  If only this show would just shift focus to the kids taking over the town like Children of the Corn.  It's kind of amazing how little happens on a program that's comprised entirely of plot. The Hot Guy who Locked Shelly the Waitress in the Bomb Shelter has a very emotional exchange with the Dome and Ginger tries to make it about her.  The Latina Who Can't Act plays a scene with a pig which is clearly meant to be a Simpsons reference, but it only comes off as hackneyed and sets a tone that none of what we're watching matters - like it's all a joke.  That said, the pig was very convincing and natural.  Good thing I'm a member of the SAG Awards Nominations Committee!

The Latina Who Can't Act was promoted to sheriff (whatever that means) and there was a commercial for the Sarah Michele Gellar/Robin Williams show which is actually unwatchable, as indicated by the fact that the entire commercial was comprised of behind-the-scenes interactions and slow-motion, thoughtful smiling.  This week we learned that lesbians are allowed to be on network television dramas but gays are only allowed on comedies.  We learned that Ginger stockpiled all the conditioner or hairbrushes under the Dome and hoarded the entire supply for herself while all the other girls are left with frizz.   The Goth Girl is also an epileptic and the Old Guy in the Pleather Member's Only Jacket still hasn't taken off his jacket.

I'm starting to feel like Shelly the Waitress.  Stockholm Syndrome is setting in.

basically...

Nothing today could be more important than the fact that it's Milo Ventimiglia's birthday.

He was in the pool at the Viceroy in Palm Springs a couple years back and looked like a real life G.I. Joe action figure.  I still think about it.  A lot.

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Attention must be paid.

Nice & Easy

“She’s a psychiatrist.”

Good morning, dolls.  Another Wednesday is upon us and that means I shan't leave the house until I trudge through this Under the Dome program so you don’t have to.  Let’s see…we left off with Samantha having invited her trans neighbors up to her roof in the Meatpacking District for a Flirtini (that’s vodka with pineapple and champagne) Fourth of July BBQ and Carrie wore those shorts… No, wait, that was a good show.

This week begins with Ginger Dursley, that girl who was fired from Twilight, espousing about three pages worth of exposition to make up for the fact that there was no character development in the pilot.  Previously on, indeed. 

Mike Vogel is wearing jeans and a t-shirt.  It's pretty clear that Mike Vogel would be great in a Dukes of Hazzard reboot – all sweaty, with that smirky grin.  I wish this show was a Dukes of Hazzard reboot – with Jessican Simpson!  Can you imagine?  Dreams.  Whatever is happening cuts to Mike Vogel shirtless, sleeping in a fully lit TV set… you know, like humans do.

The Latina Deputy Who Can’t Act intuits that the Dome affects things with batteries because The Lawnmower Man had a battery in his heart and it exploded when he went near the Dome.  Then there are a couple of kids from a Gregg Araki movie talking about seizures and stars while Lenny Kravitz and my girlfriend are still working at the radio station – they’re both "costumed" in a bunch of junk that someone found in a Forever 21 dumpster in 2010.  Relevant.  Fresh. 

Samantha Mathis is wearing Ugg boots.  Oh, she’s a lesbian!  GAME CHANGER. There are military soldiers patrolling on the other side of the Dome so Ginger Dursley throws tennis balls at them.  Why not?

“He screwed my brains out and I loved it…”

Shelly the Waitress and the Only Hot Guy on the Show are playing scenes from House at the End of the Street.  Fresh.  Relevant.  They’ll work it out.  This man is actually gorgeous.  I’m sure he’s a NIGHTMARE to talk to at a party – just going on about how he’s getting a lot of attention from the show and how his real passion in life is hiking and the art of jujitsu.  Actors.

Meanwhile, the Gregg Araki kids are walking around holding skateboards and spray painting on the Dome.  Hip. Young. Fresh.  Mike Vogel pops by to check on their progress at the same time as Ginger miraculously appears at the radio station and the Latina Deputy Who Can’t Act finds the Old Man in the Member’s Only Pleather Jacket going through police files.  Plot Plot Plot

I'm getting back on my soapbox.  Plot without context or character is useless.  It’s not fun to watch and doesn't actually mean anything.  Respect your audience!

The lesbians have a Goth daughter (shocker).  The Gregg Araki teenagers see soldiers in lab coats spraying the dome with a hose and they realize the Dome is porous.   While, back at WKRP Under the Dome, Ginger has hijacked the radio station to let people know that the Dome is a Dome.  Whew.  I think we all know who’s getting that Pulitzer Prize this year!

Oh, look - a commercial for Wolverine.  Hmmmm.  I’m not being catty to say that this movie looks an awful lot like Elektra, right?  What’s with the 2005 wigs and inner-city arts high school costume craft outfits?  Remember when Darren Aronofsky was going to make this?  Poor Famke.  There’s also a commercial with a man saying he’s lucky to have a woman who dyes her hair. 

A crowd has gathered at the diner where the lesbians live. Then, in one of the most unintentionally hysterical scenes ever conceived, a bunch of extras hand Mike Vogel pans of water that he throws at a wall engulfed by computer-generated fire.  Somehow the teenagers and Ginger Dursley are there.  How did they get there?  How big is this town?  This brings us to the most interesting paradox of this program:  Geography.  We have no idea of the town’s layout – it feels as though everyone is on the set of The Carol Burnett Show.  One minute Mike Vogel and the Hot Guy are fighting in an empty cabin set and the next moment, they're rolling down a grassy hill by a river.  It's confusing.

Costumes.  Actors.  Is this meant to be The Truman Show?  Is that the twist?  They all know they’re on a TV show and M Night Shamalamadingdong is going to pop out at the end and give some homeless family a house?  If anyone knows, please tell me because this shit is exhausting!

The Lawnmower Man is already dead – as is Ginger’s husband.  And like three cops.  So...?  Killing off people who we have no attachment to means absolutely nothing.  I used to hate-fuck Smash until they killed off that gay boy and proceeded to act as though he was the reincarnation of the Christ Child (despite the fact that he had never been on the show or expressed anything beyond an extensive collection of Gilt cardigans and Justin Bieber's old haircut). I had to stop.

So this week, we discovered that everyone town is trapped under a Dome (...) and a house burned down.  The Old Man in the Pleather Member’s Only Jacket did not take off his member’s only jacket, Ginger Dursley's hair did not move and we learned that Samantha Mathis is in a biracial lesbian relationship who lives in a diner.  This would could be campy if it wasn't legitimately awful.

Camp is derived from a complete and reckless abandon towards a singular vision.  Showgirls is the absolute best version of Showgirls there could ever be.  Same goes for Mommie Dearest. Everyone involved was completely sure they were making something good.  Under the Dome isn’t campy because no one seems remotely committed or present.  There are no stakes – there’s no tension.  It’s over-lit and boring.

Bates Motel is majestic because it took characters and a premise we thought we knew and flipped our expectations - creating a new mythology and one of the most watchable shows on television.  American Horror Story continually presents a hundred different concepts and throws everything at the wall with an all-star cast, letting the good stuff stick.  This show does neither. I think we’re done here.  What do you think?  Should we continue or should we just re-watch The Stand?