Sunday, November 1, 2009

Lauren Hutton's Infinite Playlist

"No that's it! We're homos! We're rump-rangers!"

I grew up with a single mom and a Nana. One day mom decided she wanted Nana to go away so she tried out the old lady downstairs as a babysitter. When the old lady refused to let me watch Once Bitten on HBO, I all but lost my shit! We never saw that old lady again.

It could very well be hypothesized that my obsession with all things horror and homosexual had a point of inception: the autumn release of Once Bitten in 1985. Once Bitten is the world’s first teen sex comedy to have vampires and homoeroticism strolling hand in hand like old lovers humming a Sondheim melody along a Fire Island dune! I loved this film more than any six year old boy should have loved a Lauren Hutton vehicle. By 1988, the horror bug would have so fully infected my consciousness as to make me sneak into Return of the Living Dead: Part 2 while my mom returned things at the mall (shoving stockings in her purse when the sales ladies weren't looking), starting me on the long and bumpy journey to becoming the man I am today.

Jim Carey is twenty four. He is tall and thin and pale and Canadian with gorgeous hair. He has a girlfriend, Robin, who is ten years older than him and a professional dancer. Jim Carey has been dating Robin for the past four years and he wants to have sex, but she’s not so sure yet. He confides all this in his two best gay friends who work together at a burger stand shaped like a clown. Jim Carey drives an ice cream truck. They are all in high school with Karen from Will&Grace. This is a good movie!

Across town, in Hollywood, there lives a three hundred year old Vampire with an aversion to bras named Lauren Hutton. She’s kept relevant by her main gay, Sebastian, who not only manages to be an offensive African American stereotype (being a servant, wearing jodhpurs) but a super-offensive gay stereotype as well (always coming out of her closet, wearing her clothes, leering at young men). Sebastian is wonderful! Down in the cellar, Lauren keeps a stable of young homosexuals and a couple of hags – we learn that these are virgins she turned into vampires to stay young! We can tell when she turned them because they still dress from the period they were turned, a confederate soldier, a haight-ashbury/hippy girl; it’s all very clever!

One night, Jim’s gays take him out for a night in Hollywood to take his mind off his girl troubles and to find him some pussy. He finds Lauren Hutton. She's on the prowl because, without refreshing herself with virgin blood every once in a while, Lauren turns into Sophia Petrillo from The Golden Girls.  Luckily for Lauren, Mark is a virgin. She takes him home, bites off his buttons and, the next thing you know, he’s wearing all black and can’t see his reflection! Robin knows something dark is underway when Jim passes out at the mall, so she asks his best gays to check his groin for bite marks (she's still not ready to check out his goods).  Naturally, there is a naked shower scene where Jim’s gays try to scope his bod for bite marks. There is a big song and dance production number where Robin and Lauren compete for Jim’s affection in slutty Halloween costumes. There is a self-titled theme song. This movie has it all!! Working for a movie studio, it's not hard to see Miss Hutton's aging Vampiress in dire need of virgin blood as analogous to these creepy gay agents and producers who surround themselves with teenage boys to stay relevant. But agents don't have Miss Hutton's legendary tooth gap - yet another reason that Once Bitten is better than real life.

(Horror Nerd Alert: Be sure to keep an eye out for Friday the 13th Part II 's lanky ginger, Stu Charno, as "Cabin Boy Vampire" and Flowers in the Attic’s main gay, Jeb Stuart Adams, as "World War 1 Vampire"!)

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