Friday, August 31, 2018

guilty of love - in the first degree

Hands down, the creepiest thing I do in my old age is click "like" with reckless abandon on the all of hot Australian guy from Alien: Covenant's Instagram pictures.  As much as I love him from afar, he's not terribly famous, so it must be noticeable.

Whatever.  He's best thing that's come out of that film.  I don't talk about Prometheus here, but I love it.  I love it a lot.  It's holy.  Prometheus is a movie about what it means to keep living despite the fact that God is dead and we're all a freak accident.  We're doomed to live past the ones who made us and there's no higher meaning to anything - it's all a trick.  All we can do is have some champagne and enjoy each other.  Also, Prometheus is prohibitively expensive - my favorite genre of film!

Alien Covenant takes away all the good ideas and all the feminism of Prometheus.  It's a movie about boys breaking things - a movie embarrassed by its own inception, trying to create a mystery where there's none - trying to be high-minded and inane at once.  It's Alien by way of the Saw franchise.  Worse, Alien Covenant violates Elizabeth Shaw, the mother, the scientist, the believer.  I suppose that ultimately just goes to prove the thesis of Prometheus, that we exist beyond our creator, but I hate it.

That said, there are 15 amazing minutes in the film because those are the 15 minutes when the hot Australian guy from Alien Covenant is in Alien Covenant and that's when Amy Seimitz gives the most brilliant performance in the film and that's because Billy Crudup's overall look is really good - he almost approximates the cool design stuff from Prometheus.

Turn it off after that - nothing good happens.  It's cheaper than Prometheus.  It's not as artful as Prometheus.  It's fan fiction for basement nerds and it's Ridley Scott operating to appease an audience who doesn't even care.  Overall, it's a futile endeavor - except the hot Australian guy from Alien Covenant who lives here in LA and who's probably going to file a restraining order against me any day now.  In which case, someone please bail me out because I don't get paid til the 15th.

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