"He probably went out for a hamburger or a chicken dinner...you know how men are when they're alone."
Since the ancient Greeks wrote about Medea, it has been a well chronicled fact that actresses are monsters*. We all know Gwenyth Paltrow is a bloody nightmare, but did you know that even lesser known, D-list actresses can fall prey to the trappings of stardom? Take, for instance, Tasha Yar

Ever the narcissist, Tasha commissioned a documentary crew to follow her and her dippy husband around as they acclimated to life in rural Maine. Much like Paula Abdul and her reality show, Hey Paula!, Tasha had no idea that the finished product would be a vitriolic exposé of a woman gone mad.
Watching Pet Sematary, we learn that Tasha Yar once had a sister with spinal meningitis who she let starve to death. We see firsthand her complete lack of mothering skills, as she rarely ever looks at her children, let alone feed them their Eggos.
Her family may be falling apart, but heaven forbid she wear the same outfit twice. Despite having worked her maid to death, Tasha's still too preoccupied with organizing her collection of skorts to stop her baby son from running into traffic... and you thought Cybill Shepherd was a nightmare!

Pet Sematary is groundbreaking in that its principal performers are completely unconcerned with acting or line delivery or putting any energy whatsoever into the proceedings. Nonetheless, there are valuable lessons to be learned:
- Do not quit a series in its first season because you'll just wind up begging them to have you back and wind up acting as producer on a series of fair to middling documentaries.
- Do not bury your dead children in spoiled ground.
- Do not marry an actress unless you want a world of heartache in the years ahead.
Ooh, I was absolutely TERRIFIED of Pet Sematary when I watched it many years ago. Now you've just gone and made me afraid of revisiting another piece of my childhood to discover it's disappointing! Grr.
ReplyDeleteBut wasn't Dale Midkiff HAWT?
Midkiff was 90s hot, yessir - like David Newsom and the guys in Gregg Araki movies
ReplyDeleteHey, give Tasha/Denise a break-wasn't she in a little blockbuster called ARMAGEDDON????
ReplyDeleteWait, she was in that other apocalypse movie--never mind.
I still like her.