Tuesday, March 16, 2010

...when suddenly, last summer...

"I'm used to her folderol."


You know, it was hard to be around Gwyneth Paltrow in the late 1990s. She was battling an eating disorder that left her hair patchy and her skin perpetually grey. As far as finding love, she'd be the first to tell you that nothing ever seemed to work in her favor.  Men were thrown by her whiney nasal voice and abrasive sense of entitlement. Gwyneth was an affront to everything glamorous, everything that being a movie star once represented. It should come as no surprise that Jessica Lange wanted her dead.


Some of you may not know that Jessica Lange has a full grown son named Jonathan Schaech.  It's true.  Jonathan had been dating Gwyneth (Gdog, as I like to call her) for some time when he decided to bring her to Jessica's expansive horse ranch down south for Christmas.  What a mistake that was!  Gdog was nothing but rude - never once complimenting Jessica on her delicate lace curtains or her stable of show horses.  Gwyneth cannot function without being the center of attention.  She even insisted that her boyfriend escort her back to Manhattan and leave his poor lonely mother so she could go to a party with Debbi Mazar (where she proceeded to throw up on the other guests).  Heartless.


This was around the time Gwyneth was going through her Wall Street phase.  She made Jonathan buy an abandoned, "artists loft" apartment.  She was wearing lots of oversized white t-shirts and playing with different wigs.  Once the phase had passed, she abandoned her expensive loft - leaving Jonathan with the rent, and took over Jessica's mortgage with intent to flip the gothic southern mansion that had been in the Lange family for generations for a quick profit.  What kind of girl gets between a man and his mother?  What kind of girl can spend a summer with Jessica Lange and not ask her about filming Tootsie?!  How rude.


The documentary (we can tell it's a documentary because the camera is never in focus), Hush, explores boundaries.  How long can a woman be pushed around by a petulant Hollywood brat hell bent on destroying her empire and her relationship with her only living heir before she finally has to fight back?


It's not like she didn't give Gdog a fair shot.  Gwyneth never did anything nice for anyone in her time down south.  She never kissed Jonathan, implying that having sex was her doing him a big favor.  She never paid for dinner or offer to clean the stables.  Complain, complain, complain.  That's all Gwyneth ever did, until Jessica could take no more.   You can't pull these tricks on Miss Jessica Lange.  She invented the tricks!  We all know Jessica has a flair for the theatrical and, soon enough, she starts leaving cheesecakes in Gwyneth's bathroom.  Nothing is funnier than leaving baked goods out for an anorexic starlet!  But, despite her callow appearance, our Gdog is no fool; she pretends to be pregnant to garner sympathy, concocting stories of Jessica hiring armored thugs to take her out!  Jessica isn't about to let Gwyneth win other round, and that's when the fun really starts.  May the best woman win (I'll give you a hint: one had to leave the country and stopped working for 12years)!


We had an earthquake last night.  I felt just like Reagan MacNeil, only there was no one to jump on top of me to make the bed stop shaking.  Then, this morning I popped over to my mailbox to discover the most miraculous thing inside: a copy of Hush (1998).  If you've wished for a mash up of Monster In Law and Whatever Happened to Baby Jane, look no further.  Dreams really can come true!

1 comment:

  1. There are some moments when this post reaches the sublime...

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