Thursday, March 4, 2010

come sail away

"I'm pre-med.  I know about these things."

I don't know about you, but this has been a lousy week.  I could really use a retreat.  A Saturday in the country.  I was thinking this would be the perfect weekend to take my 1978 Camaro to the lake house and swim out to the raft.

Of course, all my plans were halted the second I remembered Creepshow 2 (1987).  A movie that proves it doesn't matter how cute your boyfriend looks in his bathing suit or how fabulous your slutty friend, Laverne, may be - If you go swimming in lakes off-season, you are going to get eaten by the lake monster.  So much for finally having a minute to read "The Secret!"

There was a nifty moment in time where there was an audience for horror anthologies.  George Romero and Stephen King collaborated on Creepshow (1982), which featured A-list talent coming together for the common good of macabre storytelling.  Twilight Zone: the Movie (1983) piggybacked off of this, adding an all-star alligment of directors to tackle each short.  In 1989, HBO picked up on this trend to great success by launching Tales From the Crypt.  By the time Tales from the Darkside (1990) got Debbie Harry out of rehab to play a child-eating witch and launched Julianne Moore's film career, the bloom was definitely off the anthology rose.  Falling someplace in the middle of this trend was Creepshow 2.  Michael Gornick (director of photography on Dawn of the Dead) directed all of the shorts.  It's fine.  There's no all star horror lineup, there's no unifying tone, but there is The Raft

I had a Dominican nanny once.  We were watching The Ten Commandments when, in a moment of sincere passion, she said, "dat miss Anne Baxter is de queen of deNile."  Anyone who would suggest that The Raft is not gay is like Miss Anne Baxter... in denial!  Deke and his boyfriend, Randy, are finally getting a weekend away.  Unfortunately, Deke's cousin and her co-worker tagged along.  It's not that Deke and Randy hate women, it's just that a weekend away between boyfriends is never fun for girls.  They can't keep up swimming.  They get cold so easily.  Girls love their gay besties until they start making out with each other and leave them without a ride home at the club.  We've all been there before!  Deke gets angry and lashes out in all directions.  Randy gets passive agressive.  The girls just want to go home.  It's a mess.

There's nothing like a lake monster to show you a gay's true colors.  The second things get slippery, Deke and Randy waste no time throwing the women overboard to save themselves.  Tacky, but real.  Let this be a lesson to all you girls who cling to your gays for dear life.  If you avoid forming relationships with men who actually may want to make-out with you, remember that your gays will let that lake monster have your bikini-clad ass in a heartbeat!  Next time your best gays are having a romantic weekend at the lake house, stay home.

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