Thursday, March 4, 2010

come sail away

"I'm pre-med.  I know about these things."

I don't know about you, but this has been a lousy week.  I could really use a retreat.  A Saturday in the country.  I was thinking this would be the perfect weekend to take my 1978 Camaro to the lake house and swim out to the raft.

Of course, all my plans halted the second I remembered Creepshow 2 (1987), a movie that proves it doesn't matter how cute your boyfriend looks in his bathing suit or how fabulous your slutty friend, Laverne, may be after a couple Bud Light Limes - when you go swimming in lakes off-season, you are going to get eaten by the lake monster.  So much for finally having a minute to read The Secret!

There was a nifty moment in time when there was an audience for horror anthologies.  George Romero and Stephen King kicked off the trend with Creepshow (1982), which featured A-list talent coming together for the common good of macabre storytelling.  Twilight Zone: the Movie (1983) piggybacked off of this, adding an all-star alignment of directors to tackle each short and, in 1989, HBO capitalized on this moment to great success by launching Tales From the Crypt.  
By the time Tales from the Darkside (1990) got Debbie Harry out of rehab to play a child-eating witch and launched Julianne Moore's film career, the bloom was definitely off the anthology rose.  Falling someplace in the middle of this trend was Creepshow 2.  Michael Gornick (director of photography on Dawn of the Dead) directed all of the shorts.  It's fine. It doesn’t have the all star horror lineup and it doesn’t have a unifying tone, but it does have The Raft

I had a Dominican nanny once.  I was playing with her purse and she was watching The Ten Commandments when, in a moment of sincere passion, she said, "That miss Anne Baxter is the Queen of the Nile."  I think anyone who would suggest that The Raft is not a gay film is like Anne Baxter -  in denial! 
The Raft is about Deke and his boyfriend, Randy.  They’re finally getting a weekend away. Unfortunately, Deke's cousin and her co-worker tagged along.  
It's not that Deke and Randy hate women, it's just that they've been there before.  A weekend away between boyfriends is never fun for girls. They can't keep up with the Drag Race memes or the competitive swimming.  They get cold so easily. Girls love their gay best friends until they start making out with each other and leave them without a ride home at the club.  It’s exhausting for everyone.

Deke is a white gym gay, so obviously he gets angry and lashes out in all directions whenever the wind blows.  Randy grew up in New England and hates conflict, so he gets passive aggressive. The girls didn’t sign up for any of this and they want to go home.  It's a mess.

There's nothing like a lake monster to show you a gay's true colors.  The second things get slippery, Deke and Randy waste no time throwing the women overboard to save themselves.  Tacky, but real.  
Let this be a lesson to all you girls who cling to your gays for dear life.  If you avoid forming relationships with men who actually may want to make-out with you, you can’t get mad when they leave you at the club or when they feed your bikini-clad ass to a lake monster!  

Next time your best gays are having a romantic weekend at the lake house, stay home.

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