Saturday, December 12, 2009

close the door, turn out the lights...


If you thought that little girl in Precious: Based on the novel "Push" by Saphire was an experiment in endurance, then you obviously haven't seen Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984).  Poor Billy.

Billy was an angel from heaven with dewy, expressive Bambi eyes and preternaturally moistened red lips. Then, one Christmas eve, his parents had the bright idea to take Billy to the Utah Mental Facility to visit his pedophilic monster of a grandfather.  Grampy gets off on terrifying little Billy year after year - this year planting seeds about how Santa Claus is a vengeful demon hellbent on the destruction of all that's naughty in the world. After Billy is thoroughly traumatized, his parents take him off for a late night drive in the woods where they are promptly attacked by a murderous convict in a Santa Claus suit.  Billy's dad is shot in the head, his mom's throat gets slashed in front of him, and his little brother, Mongo, is thrown off into the woods someplace to be raised by wolves (or Sarah Palin).

Billy soon found himself in the less capable hands of the wicked lesbian nuns at St. Mary's Home for Orphaned Children. He's a regular Christina Crawford, this Billy! After years of beatings from Mother Superior and a warped perception of heterosexual sexuality from having seen his mother raped by a man in a Santa suit as a child, something rather curious happened to Billy: he got insanely HOT. Billy realized that he was far too attractive for the company that he was keeping, so he renounced the Christianity that the nuns held so dear.  Seeing their hypocrisies firsthand, he decided to bask in the warm, electric light of Mormonism. Mormons love repressed homosexuality and a deeply warped sense of right and wrong! Billy fit right in.

Mormons are hard workers.  They drink lots of milk so they can do heavy lifting and have the prettiest blonde hair and skin.  Mormons have amazing bodies - but be careful!  Beneath those gleaming dead eyes and perfected fake smiles, they are not to be trusted!  Just go and ask the fine people who worked at Ira's Toys, where Billy got a job as stock boy.  Oh, wait, you can't ask them anything because they're all dead!!  All the years of repressed sexuality, rage, and wearing that funny underwear finally set Billy off on a Christmas bloodbath the likes of which America has never seen.

"You see Santa Claus tonight, you better run, boy!  You better run for your life!!"

Silent Night, Deadly Night is amazing. Aside from the sheer animal magnetism of our protagonist (I'd let him hack me to pieces, okay?!), the director makes sure to spend a whole lot of time focusing on male ass shots, whether clothed in tight, high-waisted Lee jeans or just hairy and naked as God intended. Our first shot of adult Billy is a tight shot on his crotch.  Don't worry, bros - there are at least 4 different sets of boobs on display as well.  I just love any movie with blood on snow and Linea Quigley having sex on a pool table and a climactic scene in an orphanage run by malevolent and immortal nuns.

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