Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Did You Ever See A Dream Walking?

"Why can’t Jesse wake up like everybody else?”
“Oh, honey. He’ll be alright. He’s just having a bad dream”

There is a Citizen Kane of gay horror films.  It has been discussed. It has been dissected.
It is A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge.

This movie asks the question: what would happen if a gay boy moved into 1428 Elm Street and what if Freddy Kreuger was still living in the basement?

I have a favorite pink ski cap that I wear all the time. I found it in my closet and I’m not sure where it came from. I just love an accessory. Well, so does Jesse, the male protagonist in A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge – only, instead of a ski cap, Jesse found Freddy Kreuger’s murder glove in his basement and just can’t stop wearing it all over town!

What can I say about this gem that has not already been said? Does the main character scream like a woman? Yes.  Is he doughy and effeminate with wrists that are often limp and a face that sometimes looks like he’s sucking on lemons? Yes.  Is there a game called “Probe” in his closet? Yes.
Does he refuse to have sex with his girlfriend? Yes.
Does he complain about a man desperately trying to get inside him? Yes.
Does he perform a dance number while cleaning his bedroom to dance remix of “Touch me (all night long)” in glittery gold sunglasses while giving his tennis racket a hand dookie and bumping his tight acid washed jean wearing ass into his dresser drawers?? Yes. Yes, he does.

One could say that A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge is just a b-horror sequel that suffers from unfortunate casting and some minor homoerotic undertones. Things like Jesse and his best friend, Grady, pulling each other’s pants off in gym class where they happen to only be wearing jockstraps could be in good fun! Who hasn’t dreamt about being strangled in biology class by a giant python emanating from his groin? Lots of boys have “no girls allowed” signs and Kate Bush posters plastered on their bedroom doors! It’s only mildly curious that Jesse deems having sex with his girlfriend, Lisa, so unsightly.

However, there is a moment wherein A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge crosses into the crystalline realm of full-fledged faggotry. Jesse, worn emotionally ragged from living in a haunted house and being exposed to Heather Langenkamp’s erotic diary entries, goes to the town’s gay bar. A leather bar. While pouring his underage beer into a juice glass, sweaty and half naked, Jesse is approached by his gym teacher (in full leather gear) who takes him back to the high school to wash up. While Jesse is languishing in the hot shower, his gym teacher is busy preparing some ropes to tie Jesse to the shower stalls for GAY SEX! This happens! I’m not making it up. Of course, Freddy doesn’t go for such blatant breaches of the school board of conduct AND Jesse’s not ready to be a full fledged gay-sex having homo, so the gym teacher is flayed. When the smoke clears, we see it was Jesse and that silly glove doing the flaying.

Jesse continues repressing the homo within as only a teenage gay can. His gay panic body count continues as he runs off to his shirtless best friend’s bedroom, insisting that he be allowed to spend the night, only to be overtaken by sinister urges and, once again, killing the object of his desire. In fact, only men die in this movie.

Ultimately, this is a parable – the girl confesses her love and sets him straight, so to speak. Freddy is excised. Jesse will be happily gay ever after once he graduates high school and moves to NYC. (or in this case, West Hollywood, because the tales of Mark Patton sightings are the stuff of legend – apparently he comes out of his cave as often as the groundhog sees its shadow, but I ain’t one to gossip so you didn’t hear that from me).

A Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge exemplifies that a slasher film is primarily about penetration and the fear of penetration. When a man is the protagonist in a slasher movie, the final girl – so to speak, it is a gay movie. Men being penetrated is gay. But I digress.

I love this movie a lot. I relate to Jesse, having had a pretty girlfriend in high school that I refused to have sex with, and he has an amazing swatch watch that I still covet. (In defense of Lisa, it’s hard to be the thankless girlfriend to a gay boy in high school. They won’t touch your vagina and they barely kiss you. They have SO much drama and rarely listen to anything that’s going on with you. Invariably they start going off at all hours of the night and showing up at your house with their hands covered in blood, sobbing about how “he’s inside me and he wants to take me again.”)


  1. I find the visual ad so helpful. thank you

  2. This is the NOES2 review from an actual gay fella that I've always wanted to read. The last line really cracked me up.