looking for the magic

Good morning, dolls
I don't know about you, but those golden globes really left me with a nasty aftertaste. Maybe it was Jordan Catalano not referencing the fact that one in thirteen trans girls are murdered or maybe it was Michael (so brave) Douglas not mentioning Liberace, but I've just about had it.

THEREFORE - let us polish up our best marching band shoes and throw seven bottles of champagne in the fridge.  It's once again time for the FaggotyAss Awards!!!

Presenting the nominees this year: Elijah Wood and Macaulay Culkin!  Reunited and it feels so good!!

Best TV.  

Long Live the New Flesh!

The Walking Dead.  

I got sick for a minute in November and went HAM on this show.  If you haven't already, I suggest you do the same.

Bates Motel.

Twin Peaks 2.0.  Blessed be.

America Horror Story: No Straights Allowed.

Patti Lupone.  Bathtub enemas.  Queen Angela Bassett.  Ruth Fisher.  About two episodes in, Kathy Bates made chicken for Gabby Sidibe.

The Fall.

Gillian Anderson pretends to be British to track down a hot-as-fuck serial killer.

Best Picture.

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane.

Better late than never.

Stoker.

Confession: Every single time I've tried to watch this movie, I fall dead asleep.  That does not make me love it any less - it was written by Wentworth Miller.

Curse of Chucky.

Chucky went to all the trouble to get some fillers for his big comeback.  Very Kate Beckinsale.  The least you can do is watch it.

World War Z.

Best Actress.

Nicole Kidman. 

Stoker.

Like I'm even going to pretend there are other nominees.

Guys I'd Go Gay For.

Lou Taylor Pucci.  

Evil Dead.

Milo Ventimiglia.  

Kiss of the Damned.

Joe Pitt.  

The Conjuring.

Now hurry up and vote down below.  My favorite comment-er will get a FaggotyAssGiftBasket full of fabulous horror movie swag that I have no use for.

Elegance is Learned

Welcome to the Second Annual FaggotyAssAwards!!!

My team and I have been setting up all day for this and the red carpet glamour is positively infectious.
Let's see who dropped in this year!

America's favorite lesbian, Amber Heard!

Lea Michele and her best gay (noticeably without his loser boyfriend)...

 ...straight from Muir Island, Michael Fassbendover

      ...and obviously no awards spectacular would be complete without the incandescent star of stage and screen, Idina Menzel!

Now take your seats, boys and ghouls, because it's time for a FaggotyAss musical number!

Isn't that fun?  But now it's time for winners!  I'm pleased to present this evening's first FaggotyAssAward to....

JAMES FRANCO!!

Sorry losers.  Congratulations, Jimmy - you earned it, doll.

Honestly, who cares about boys in movies?  Everyone knows the true marker of how a perfectly average movie can become the stuff of legend is the performance of its FaggotyAssBestActress.   The FaggotyAssBestActress of 2010 is...

NATALIE PORTMAN.

Natalie couldn't make it this evening because she's at home licking pistachio ice cream off her husband's abs.  Miss Barbara Hershey was kind enough to prepare something in her stead.

Give it up for Barbara Hershey, ladies and gentlemen!!  Wow, Barbara.  Believe me, we could listen to you perform monologues all night - but, unfortunately, we have more work to do so Jonathan Groff is gonna take you backstage now.

Only one film truly captured our hearts and minds this year, dolls.  This film managed to capture the exquisitely painful and elegant pursuit of perfection that we all experience every morning when we walk out the front door.  The rumors are true, the FaggotyAssAward for the Best Movie of 2010 goes to...

BLACK SWAN.

Good work everyone.  As for you dolls watching from home, I'm happy to announce that the cornucopia of excess that is the 2010 FaggotyAssGiftBasket goes to David for understanding the importance of a good sheet cake.

get out the shoe polish, boys

We're at the end of a long, dark year.  As far as this years horror movie selections, we were pretty much left alone without a flashlight like that blonde girl and her little gay brother on Jurassic Park.  But just as that girl somehow found the will to get up off of her little diesel behind and run that fancy computer system to save the day, the show must go on.

Strap on your snowsuits, dolls.

It's time, at last, for the FaggotyassAwards Nominations Spectacular!!!

Best Actress:

Ali Larter - Resident Evil: West Hollywood

Natalie Portman - Black Swan

Rooney Mara 

(for pretending to be Kristen Stewart pretending to be Heather Langenkamp pretending to be Nancy Thompson)

Max Thieriot - My Soul to Take

Emma Bell - Frozen

Best Film:

Monsters

Let Me In

Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy

Suspiria 2: Black Swan

Guys I'd Go Gay For:

Patrick Fabian - The Last Exorcism

MaleDren - Splice.

Adam Scott - Piranha 3D

Benjamin Millepied - Black Swan

Best of luck to all the nominees.

You decide the winners, so vote to your hearts content in the comments section (Yes, Ali, you can even vote for yourself, doll...and, yes, your babies can vote too).  Like last year, my favorite voters will receive a fantastic, FaggotyAss Gift Basket that is sure to induce envy and rage from all your friends and neighbors.  Exciting!!

...a monster what takes his time.

"Everyone has to earn a living."

In honor of NASA discovering a man-made life form (unquestionably harkening the eminent destruction of us all), I am pleased to announce the second best film nomination in this year's FaggotyAssAwards:

Monsters! 

(I added the exclamation - people don't actually shout in Monsters.) 

Set a couple of years in the future (well after the NASA lake monsters have fully developed and decimated most of our population), this movie chronicles a hispter photographer and a hipster trust fund girl as they become trapped in a Mexican war zone with no passports.  White people problems.  Its working title was "America hates Mexicans"...but that's better left for Arianna and her crackerjack team at Huffington Post to cover. 

Loathsome hipsters aside, this is surely my favorite of the Jurassic Park sequels; at it's best, Monsters patiently explores intimate nuances of human interactions in the face of atrocity.  This is the rare horror movie that chooses to linger on human interactions and well-shot locations over cheap effects and jump-scares.  Get into it.

do you really want to hurt me?

In case you dolls haven't noticed, strange things are afoot in movietown.  A painful transition is afoot in which perfectly lovely movies are left rotting on the shelf while soul-crushing dreck winds up with at least three trailers and an international distribution.  Major studios don't seem to understand that we're perfectly content to stay home and watch movies streaming on our monster-Black-Friday-purchased-on-credit-flat-screen TVs rather than shelling out nineteen dollars to see a Jack Black fart his way through a remake we never asked for.  Something's gotta give.

There are too many chefs in the kitchen and no one's buying the soup.  If no one buys the soup, the restaurants close down.  This happened to a company called Overture.  Overture made a charming and uncompromising little adaptation of a critically acclaimed foreign horror film.  By the time the movie was done, they money was gone and Overture no longer had the ability to get the film distributed.  

This movie was not lowest common denominator.  That's scary for a studio whose livelihood depends upon an opening weekend.  So, rather than spend money to make people aware of the film, Relativity dumped it.  Let Me In was released in a handful of theatres opposite The Social Network and Wall Street 2 (both major studio releases costing upwards of 100 million to make/sell to the public), and so it tanked.  It was gone two weeks later.

Luckily, my memory is long. Studio politics aside, our first nomination in this year's FaggotyAssAwards is Matt Reeve's Let Me In.

Whether you fall in love with a boy or a girl or a vampire, first love bites and its sting can stay with you for the rest of your life.  Let Me In captures that moment quite well.  Thoughtful, nuanced, and full of sequences that are sure to stick with you long after everyone's forgotten all about Wall Street 2,   Let Me In is a film worthy of our adoration and respect.  In the same manner that House of the Devil took the world by storm last year, I'm sure that this movie will have a long and happy life on home video.

This is the moment...

Hello everyone and welcome to the first annual FaggotyAssAwards.  The red carpet is star-studded.  Just look at who came out to celebrate!

Barbra Streisand and her gay son, Jason Emanuel Gould...

Broadway songstress and star of ABC's Private Practice, Audra McDonald...

Brandon Routh...

That hot born-again Christian guy from Friday the 13th V: A New Beginning...

But, enough of all this hobnobbing, let's get to the awards!!  We all know that no self-congratulatory awards show is complete without a lavish production number:

I was once real hung up on some gay and my dear friend turned to me and said "Jeff, don't be Ali Larter. Look like Ali Larter."  No truer words were ever spoken. 

It is my honor to present this year's FaggotyAssAward for Best Actress to Miss Ali LARTER!!!!!

Ali couldn't join us this evening, but she was good enough to tape her acceptance speech.

Thanks for that, Ali.  We love you, too.

NOW. 
The moment you've all been waiting for!
The 2009 FaggotyAssAward for Best Movie goes to....

THE HOUSE OF THE DEVIL!!!

Good job, Ti West.

100days, you win the gift basket for referencing belladonna and for losing in both categories.

Everyone, go home. There's nothing more to see.