Sunday, January 30, 2011

Elegance is Learned

Welcome to the Second Annual FaggotyAssAwards!!!

My team and I have been setting up all day for this and the red carpet glamour is positively infectious.
Let's see who dropped in this year!

America's favorite lesbian, Amber Heard!

Lea Michele and her best gay (noticeably without his loser boyfriend)...

 ...straight from Muir Island, Michael Fassbendover

      ...and obviously no awards spectacular would be complete without the incandescent star of stage and screen, Idina Menzel!

Now take your seats, boys and ghouls, because it's time for a FaggotyAss musical number!

Isn't that fun?  But now it's time for winners!  I'm pleased to present this evening's first FaggotyAssAward to....


Sorry losers.  Congratulations, Jimmy - you earned it, doll.

Honestly, who cares about boys in movies?  Everyone knows the true marker of how a perfectly average movie can become the stuff of legend is the performance of its FaggotyAssBestActress.   The FaggotyAssBestActress of 2010 is...


Natalie couldn't make it this evening because she's at home licking pistachio ice cream off her husband's abs.  Miss Barbara Hershey was kind enough to prepare something in her stead.

Give it up for Barbara Hershey, ladies and gentlemen!!  Wow, Barbara.  Believe me, we could listen to you perform monologues all night - but, unfortunately, we have more work to do so Jonathan Groff is gonna take you backstage now.

Only one film truly captured our hearts and minds this year, dolls.  This film managed to capture the exquisitely painful and elegant pursuit of perfection that we all experience every morning when we walk out the front door.  The rumors are true, the FaggotyAssAward for the Best Movie of 2010 goes to...


Good work everyone.  As for you dolls watching from home, I'm happy to announce that the cornucopia of excess that is the 2010 FaggotyAssGiftBasket goes to David for understanding the importance of a good sheet cake.


  1. You're probably already seen this several times, but if not.... - JP

  2. I spy with my little eye Beth "Vera" Howland in that Barbara Hershey intro... now there's one I'd pay $50 dollars for 20 minutes worth of time... you know, just to throw a box of straws around the motel room.

    PS, by the way.. I just bumped into Ali Larter in the ladies room, and she is beyond inconsolable over her loss.

    You better watch your weave jeffreygmm....

  3. no one has a better eye than you, aunt john! beth howland is indisputably the most famous and adored "Beth" in history. i wonder why ali larter isn't playing the marley shelton part in Scream 4...i should probably send her a grapefruit basket.