Wednesday, October 19, 2011

eat your heart out.

"You're pissed at everyone because you're gay."

I have a complex relationship with Jeffrey Dahmer. I hold him personally responsible for robbing me of my best slut years. While the kids nowadays can go to any bar or club or theatre festival or grindr app to find a gorgeous guy in high-waisted jeans and metallic frames, I stayed locked inside my room throughout twenties – absolutely certain that any clandestine affair with even the most devastatingly handsome investment banker was going to end with me face-down stapled to the floor of some Tribeca loft. I’m getting ahead of myself.

A while back, I was talking to Tanner about the death of gay cinema and he explained that the issue at hand is not the death of gay cinema at all, but the death of independent cinema. He's right.  We all sort of took for granted that pop culture would always be Nirvana and My So Called Life. We were wrong.

Don't get me wrong - the years weren't just Crystal Pepsi and hypercolor.  Unlike the 1980s, the nineties were actually a shitty time to be a gay teen. Gone were the days of jelly bracelets and pouty-mouthed camp counselors. AIDS and the recession took all the fun out. Liberace and Keith Haring were dead. Queer Cinema was alive and kicking thanks to Gregg Araki and Gus Van Sant, but regular kids looking for gay role models were SOL. We didn’t have Glee. Aside from that guy from Showgirls, the most famous gay of the 90s was Jeffrey Dahmer.

Despite the proliferation of gay cinema in the nineties, it wasn’t until the early aughts that a proper movie based on Jeffrey would see the light of direct to Blockbuster distribution. Dahmer (2002) is the kind of movie that Chloe Sevigny and Brett Easton Ellis watch ironically projected on a tarp in someone’s backyard thinking they're such a riot while they talk incessantly about themselves while not even bothering to learn the name of their hostess.

It is not very good, this Dahmer film, but it does teach us some very important lessons.

  • Lesson #1:  Banjees are a gays best friend.

True story.  In the middle of Jeffrey's Korean phase, a lobotomized Gasian managed to escape the manse. Mute and naked, this poor kid came stumbling across a couple of Banjee girls on their way home from walking their little brothers to school.  These girls were concerned. The cops were not.  Refusing to get involved in another faggoty domestic dispute, they brought that Gasian right back to Jeffrey's house where he was promptly dismembered.

  • Lesson #2  Don’t go home with any guy who talks like Emma Pillsbury.

No good can come from it.

  • Lesson #3  This is what Jeremy Renner’s O-face looks like.

In case you were watching Thor and, you know, got to wondering.

  • Lesson #4  If I lived in Wisconsin in the early 90s, I would be DEAD.

With his shaggy hair and lanky build, Jeffrey Dahmer was a catch! I mean, he worked in a chocolate factory…


  1. OMG, that "Jefrrey" poster is so mean it's AWESOME.

  2. james - blogger erased your comment. how rude!

  3. Yeah, I know! ;)
    I lost a couple of comments on my blog as well, no worries, man!
    Btw, I still love the mean "Jeffrey" poster. :D

  4. I'm appreciating your blogs, but this one in particular. You're dead-on about the lifestyle of a gay teen in the 90's. Dahmer was indeed the only outed guy in the mainstream that was known to me. Then began my intrigue with serial murder-related books and memorabilia. I still remain a bit sexually repressed today due to the whole STD boom. Anyways, I much prefer Dahmer: The Secret Life to DEJ's Dahmer release. Diggin' on your humour and will frequent this place.