Friday, May 13, 2011

Tina: Light and Dark

“Please, don’t drink anymore!”


Start doing your crunches, boys! It’s already time to start squeezing ourselves into our best cut-off shorts for those annual weekends at Camp Crystal Lake. In honor of this, the only Friday the 13th of 2011, I’m going to let you in on a special secret:  My favorite Jason movie is….

Friday the 13th, Part 7: The New Blood (1988).


While by no means the best, The New Blood is unquestionably the gayest entry in the Friday cannon. I’m talking Telekinesis, dolls. Jason Voorhees versus Lar Park Lincoln (“Tina”) pretending to be Carrie White. A force to be reckoned with, Tina is the only final girl in horror history capable of snatching he pearl necklace right off of a bitch’s bust line without even getting her hands dirty.


“You’re more interested in this telekinetic stuff than you are in me!”


Aside from the fact that the men of Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood never manage to feign even the slightest interest in any of its women, our male protagonist is a showqueen ("Nick") with a denim fetish who only musters expressions of mild concern when faced with the prospect of his entire social circle being massacred at the hands of Jason. This film is gayer than a Sex and the City marathon on Fire Island – this film is gayer than my run-on sentences.


Our girl, Tina, has been having a rough time ever since she was a toddler. The pressure of being constantly mistaken for Heather O’ Rourke (RIP) at the Malibu Colony Mall ll finally caught up with her and she wound up killing her own daddy with her dark magix.  It happens.  Years later, Tina’s finally out of the nut house and trying to work it out with the help of her obviously-evil therapist (who came highly recommended by Blake Carrington).



Tina’s mother spends more time maintaining her blow-out than actually trying to be of any help to anyone (or bothering to check the B&B review section on priceline.com), so it should come as no surprise that they wind up at Camp Crystal Lake for their annual weekend getaway. Therapist is not so much concerned with Tina’s recovery as much as he is hell bent on her having another nervous breakdown so he can act out all his favorite scenes from Carrie. And you wonder why I fired my analyst!


There are a bunch of kids in their early-thirties next door having a birthday party or something. Nick invites Tina over in hopes of having a fresh voice to sing his duet harmonies for Karaoke Hour. Before he can even pull out the Miss Saigon sheet music, Tina starts having visions of Jason. Kids die. You get the drift.


Lucky for Tina, that Crystal Lake is apparently made of Isabella Rossellini’s magic youth serum because, when the going gets tough, her dead father comes swimming up to the surface, looking better than ever.  He's back in the game and ready to drag Jason straight to Hell. What a good father.  By the end of the movie, Tina throws a television at Jason - She makes Jason's head expand until his hockey mask no longer fits right - She electrocutes Jason with a fallen transformer - She hangs Jason with some spare wiring - She hits Jason in the head with nails - She drops Jason through the floor into the basement - She shoves Jason down a flight of stairs - She hits Jason in the face with a lamp. Tina even blows up the house, all the while never chipping her french tip!


I haven't even scratched the surface of the glory that is Friday the 13th Part 7: The New Blood, but I must start coordinating my denim for tonight's screening of Friday the 13th Part 8: Jason Takes Manhattan.  I'll see you there and we can talk all about it.


Editor's note: Dr Crews was NOT, in fact in Dynasty - that's was the guy from Jason Takes Manhattan.  I'm sorry Dr. Crews was such a loser.  I will not apologize for finding excuses to embed clips from my favorite stories.

2 comments:

  1. But is it as gay as knocking back Skinnygirl Margaritas while watching The Fan with my slightly overweight best gal pal?

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  2. i hope you guys at least had that frozen pizza that comes with the frozen cookies. my bestie went home with a boy this week and the boy offered him a margarita before making out and the first question i asked my bestie: "was it a skinny girl margarita?!"

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